It's been a number of months since my last post. Sean has reminded me that this blog is not for everyone else, it's supposed to be for me, so no apologies necessary. But I still think I should try to explain and catch everyone up.
When I last wrote, it was early December. I was angsting about my weight. I'm grateful for the comments I got from that post - there were so many people who appreciated what i said and really supported me. Thank you. This blog is truly stream of consciousness most of the time - I edit it somewhat, but I don't get too anxious about it - so hearing that you've enjoyed what I've written and gotten something from it makes this a wonderful exercise. Editing and being super picky (or as super picky as I'm capable of being) is for my day-to-day life, not this.
We were also contending with Lisa's terrible diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. I'm sorry to say that didn't end very well. Lisa died on January 5th, 2008, 2 days before her and my brother John's wedding anniversary. I think they would have been married for 13 years.
I was with her when she died, and it's one of the most precious moments in my life. Her mom, dad and brother were there as well. I had my hand on her heart as it came gently to a halt - and it was such a blessing for her pain to finally be over. I'd never been at someone's death bed before and it's been something I was terribly afraid of, but the reality was quite different than I'd ever imagined.
I was still in chemo at the time. Mom and Claude were in town and Mom had been spending a number of evenings in Lisa's hospice room, switching off with Sheryl, Lisa's mom and both were exhausted. Mom absolutely insisted that I wear a mask when I was near Lisa since my immune system wasn't as strong as it usually is. It felt so strange to sit there with a surgical mask on, with my hand on her heart. She'd take deep breaths, in and out, and I can still feel her breath on my skin, the moist warmth around the edges of the mask. Her eyes were half open and I thought she was looking at me while she was passing - then one final, deep breath, and she was gone.
After she passed, I said the Hail Mary quite while I had my hands on her head. I felt compelled to say the prayer and it was one of the most natural things I've ever done. It gave me so much peace.
Here's a picture of her with Hannah and Jessica. This is while she was in Hermann, early on in her diagnosis. I love this picture of her.
John and the kids are doing pretty well these days, it seems. The whole Junker clan (Junker's my mom's maiden name) is descending on St. Joseph, Missouri, this weekend for my cousin's wedding and I'm very much looking forward to it. I've not heard if Uncle Allan is able to make it or not. He was the instigator of the family-wide water fight the last time we got together after my grandmother's funeral...a water fight that ultimately resulted in one box of condoms used as water balloons (they didn't sell balloons at the 7-11 and the family just had to make do) and three of us wetting our pants from laughing ourselves silly. (I've just realized we're down to Funerals and Weddings as a family - EGAD. We've got to get some better excuses together for us to gather!)
So, John and the girls are taking to the road to get up to the wedding. He's planning to drive all night Thursday going up and then all night Sunday coming back. I think he's nuts, but then who am I to call someone nuts??? I'll be very happy to see them when they arrive at both places in one piece!
We took him and the four kids out to dinner at 59 Diner for his birthday - John's like a Ring Master in a Four Ring Circus - the flying Goads:) He had all the kids moving in roughly the same direction and everyone managed to be fed, watered and enjoying giant milkshakes without many tears. To be honest, the four kids are really great. And, yes, I'm biased, but they are really, really, really great kids. That was the same weekend that my buddy Harley had Hannah, John's oldest, and I over for the weekend where we played with Chevy, the Cuddly Pergeron horse (with very big feet!) Hannah did beautifully! She rode Chevy both bareback and with the english saddle and had a rock-solid seat. Both Harley and I were so proud of her!
So, the title says "from the Roof"... I'm at work and one of the perks here is the wonderful porch roof right outside the window next to my desk. I climb out here when I just can't stand being inside another moment longer. HexaHouse is an old Victorian 3-story, built a the turn of the (last) century, with inlaid wood floors, tall ceilings, stained glass and oodles of character (not to mention the characters that are officing in it...) I share an office in one of the old bedrooms on the second floor with Shirer, our bookkeeper. I've not managed to talk her into joining me in crawling out onto the roof yet. I have, however, gotten Tim, one of our graphic designers, to have a meeting on the roof and it was quite nice. (There's nothing like a little random madness to make the day go by oh so much better.)
I'm doing well. The chemo ended the first of February. I had an end-of-chemo set of tests - which had me clinging to the ceiling in anxiety! - and everything came out clean. There was a follow-up blood draw on Thursday last and I get the results this Thursday, so keep a good thought for me. The rebuild is on July 16th. The surgeons will be removing my left breast and then moving my belly up to my chest, rendering me both svelte and stacked. I'm referring to the procedure as my "Breast Cancer Gift with Purchase."
I have hair! And eyebrows!! And eyelashes!!! (And chin hairs!) Oh Joy! I watched every little eyelash come in this time, cheering them on every morning. I'd have sprinkled miracle grow on them if I could have! It's so strange to see myself with hair now! You wouldn't believe how easy it is to get used to your own face even when it looks so dramatically off! I've learned oh so much during my two hairless sojourns...
1. Most people really don't care what you look like. They might glance once or twice, but usually they have other things to think about....like, if anyone is looking at them...
2. People react to a person because of the way that person carries themselves. If you're not worried about what you look like, neither are they (and see #1 above for why!)
3. The Essence of Ce is waaaaay more than my hair, body, foot size, number of breasts. You wouldn't believe how easy it is it forget that your chest is cock-eyed. (wait, though... I'm seeing a theme here... It's easy for me to forget things...hmmmmmmm.)
4. People say dumb, thoughtless things when faced with unusual circumstances - and what comes out of their mouth says everything about their life view and almost nothing about what's real for the person living with the issue. (And I know this one from being on both sides of illness.) My favorite example?? A coffee-house friend of mine walked up to me just after I'd shaved my head for the first time and very earnestly said, "Cecelia! I've got a book for you! "Alkalize or DIE!!". Oh. Joy.
5. Life is WAY too short - Seize the Day! Get off your butt and go get some sunshine!! I'm having a ball swimming and traveling!
6. Every day - Each and Every Day - is precious. When you can, stop, say "thank you", notice the world around you, and give someone random a great big smile.
Love to all,
Ce
