Free Associating Ketch-up

First, an apology. It's been three weeks since my last post and any of you who were hoping to keep up with how I'm doing via the blog must have decided that the first dose of chemo killed me and someone buried me already.

Thank God, that's not the case.

The chemo has been fine, believe it or not. I'm simply amazed. Quite frankly, I was prepared to be feeling like hell for the next few months and it's rather a pleasant shock that I'm doing so well. I'm almost not sure what to do with myself... My friend Ingeborg has been chastising me to take a break, to use the time to take a breather, but I like what I do, so I'm doing it. Arnaud is keeping me pretty busy - or as busy as I'll let him keep me. I had to turn away work for the first time last week and it really wrenched me. Hated it. But it was the right thing to do for both of us - I do go down at times and when that happens, nothing gets done, which is a bad place for both him and me to find ourselves in if we've got a deadline. So, shocking as it might be, I'm trying to make some pretty adult choices, but overall, life is fine.

I'm also the content specialist for a local museum's new set of permanent exhibits. That's been GREAT. I can't give the details, but I'm working for two people I have a huge amount of respect for and to be on their team is a pretty heady thing!

The third leg of my busy-ness these months is Olivewood Cemetery. It's the first incorporated African American Cemetery in Houston, dating from 1875. I'm on the board of directors and we're busy working on building a plan for the cemetery's future. It's an absolutely FASCINATING place. Anyone who's not heard me cluck about this might be forwarned not to get me started during pleasant conversation. It's highly addictive! We've evidence of west African burial practices and other neat things that I can't go into now. Our group, The Descendants of Olivewood, are battling with another group for stewardship of the cemetery and it's been a very interesting process. We got to court on November 1 and then mediation on November 7th - I'll be better able to describe what we're up to after that point. Let's just say it's been quite the growth process.

And, oh yeah, there's the cancer. Or, rather, there's not the cancer. But there is the chemo, as well as the associated side effects of everything else I've been through.

First, the chemo: Neither the intravenous chemo or the pills have caused any of the extreme side effects yet. I am loosing my lovely hair, however, and am leaving a light trail of curly hairs wherever I go. I never thought I'd be so upset to see the wacky curls go, but you know, I've finally decided that they suit me!! So, I'm hoping they come back and stay that way. I was in the oncologist's office two weeks ago and happened to bump into my doc while I was on my way to the chemo room; her eyes got wide and, astonished, she said, "you look good!" Uh... what, was she expecting?? Is she going to try harder next time to bring me closer to death's door?? I sat and thought about that response the whole time I was getting my IV...

Secondly, the hysterectomy: It's playing havoc with me. I was so dreadfully afraid of having my ovary and uterus out, but told the docs to do the surgery anyway. I knew it would ultimately save my life. The ovary was determined to go wacky - when they yanked it, it was the size of a large orange and the uterus had a fibroid that was going "bad". Three years ago, I had to have the right one pulled and when it was finally cut out, it weighed a pound and was the size of a large grapefruit. (Yes, I'm aware of the citrus theme...)

We're all adults here, so I can be frank; my biggest fear has been the of loss of my sex drive, that happy alive feeling when all of the hormones are flowing in the right direction... I was afraid I'd become something like our cat Cricket, kinda fat, kinda lazy, really kinda nuts... a dull creature with her essential creative force lost forever.

Charles and I went to the city-wide Janmashtami celebration at the George R. Brown convention center last weekend. (I'm still on topic here... small diversion...) Janmashtami is the birthday of Krishna and there was a huge crowd of the city's Hindu population. All of the local temples had booths, there was wonderful handmade vegetarian indian food, they had a lovely cultural demonstration and it was all capped off by the appearance of an Indian TV/Movie star who's played Krishna in a popular TV series and a few movies. (He makes all of the Janmashtami celebrations - what a gig!)

Anyway, I was pretty inspired by what he said and came home, thinking about the hysterectomy complications I was suffering. (I'm closer to becoming Cricket than I'd like to admit.) I started doing some free-associating while lying in bed, picturing myself sitting in front of Krishna (and, yeah, he was blue... I've gotta find out why they paint him blue...). I decided to pull in some other experts and visualized Jesus off to the left, and then for balance sake, put Mohammad on the right. (No specific order here, don't want you to think I was exercising any favoritism. I just happened to be thinking of Krishna first, so he got the center position - plus, it was his birthday, so he had dibbs.) I thought Jesus and Mohammad were good to have on hand - both of them were very pro female and I assumed that they'd have some essential insight for me. (If you don't believe me about Mohammad, go read the Koran. He revolutionized women's lives in his tribal culture.)

Anyway, so I'm sitting in front of these three gentlemen, and they're looking very happy to be visiting with me. (Apparently, they like me. That's nice to know.) I asked them about how to deal with the side effects of the hysterectomy, of trying to rediscover my essential feminity without having a uterus or ovaries. I looked first to Jesus - he's known me longer, you understand, I thought he might have some immediate insight. He kinda smiled and shrugged and looked down at the other two guys. Mohammad pulled a long drag on his water pipe and had a beatific "I dunno" look on his face and Krishna just laughed. I didn't like this response - a bit miffed, I looked back at Jesus and he said, "We haven't a clue. We're boys."

Well! That's a fine response! Some help they were! I informed them of this failing on their part and they just smiled at me and asked what did I expect?? Jesus reminded me he was supposed to be celibate - he understood that this was a very important issue, but how'd he know what to do in this case?

So, I asked, I need a goddess or two to talk to about this. Where are they???

At this point, Krishna just laughed and pointed behind me. I turned and looked, but no one was there. After a second or two of letting this sink in, he told me that if I held up a mirror, I'd see all of the goddesses I'd need.

Of course, a mirror appeared in my hands. (This is free associating. You can do that...) I gazed into the glass and behind me was a cascade of goddesses, one behind the other, smiling at me. I snapped my head around and looked back over my shoulder - but there was no one there. I looked back in the mirror - and there they were again, waving at me.

As I was still gazing in the mirror, Krishna laughed and told me that I could look behind me as much as I wanted, but the women I saw would not be found there. They were within me. I had to find the way to open the door to them, allow them to flow through me, find me, feed me. I had to be the Goddess and then the answers would follow.

As he spoke, I looked closer at the women who were gazing back at me. A single breasted Amazon warrior was off to the right, with a knowing smile on her face. Her armor was incredible - it was brass, forged single-breasted, with the Aegis (medusa's face) on the plate. Athena was there as well as her mother, clever Metis; Kali the destroyer; Gaia; Aphrodite; Hera; Mary Magdalene; the Virgin of Guadalupe... there appeared legions, all of them representing the kaleidescopic character of the essential Female. I could sense that they all "had my back."

So, there it is. And now, I'm in BookPeople in Austin, the World's Coolest Bookstore, writing this all down and sending it into the ether for you to read. I can't help but wonder what you will think, whoever "you " are - my dear friends, my wonderful and wacky family, some stranger who's looked up "breast cancer" on the web and happened to find this on one of her deeper Google pages. I wonder if you've read the above and are scandalized. I wonder if you get this... but as they say in some enlightened circles, what other people think of us is none of our business. So, I'm going to trust you...

I'll try to write again soon.